Worst Kidnapping this year

So, I've been gone for a while-- I feel a little jonfeated cause those fucking freemasons caught me again!! Somehow that that liberass Bill Clinton got me locked up in Guantanamo... again... and all those holy anti-terrah laws our saviour, Dubya, put into place were somehow used against me!! the best man alive.


So it all started when Clancey and big Jon were surfing these Internets when Clancey (A respected Ottawa Gentleman, and the inventor of the electric fly zapper) decided to show me the 'Real' Google. Using a secret hand position on his mouse and by entering in the phrase 'M450N' into google we were instantly taken to the Real Google site... I knew Google was run by the masons, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't figure out the way to get in.

So I knew that me and Clancey had a limited time to get the info we needed before they tracked us down... so I put in "What really happened to Terri?" And after some cool 2d transitions and smoke effects I got to the first result and got the complete account of the real story... Terri was a terrar fighter, she was protecting the Arc of the Covenant, the Colonels 11 herbs and spices, and the secret formula for Coke from those dirty Muuslac Arabs that so jealously want our copyrights. So one night after protecting America from terrarism, Terri-the anti-terrar-Schaivo decided to fill up her gas at Amoco-- what she didn't know that the AM in amoco didnt stand for american... but really Ahkbar Mohamad... the Ahkbar Mohamad Oil Conglomorate (and) Onions.


She filled up her tank and drove away... it wasn't evil camel fumes from the gasolene put her in a recoverable-comatose state.... it was what happened next. She turned her radio dial to a 'Jack FM' Station... the resulting onslaught of 'your ipod on shuffle' music without an announcer put her into a Vegetative state faster than Harper destroying government! Bush intervened, but then the Freemasons jumped in and threatened to bite off another of his mothers beautiful American breasts! GW protected his mom and the Freemasons killed Terri. My heart was farting I was so upset... I finally had the information to get those dirty Masons.... so I searched for their leader next-- it was none other than that dirty "King of all Jews" Howard STERN!!! We fought Stern before using the FCC and a pvc potato gun, and I thought we could do it again... we logged out of the computer and blew it up with nitro glycerine-- then expediently proceeded to drive to Mexcio until the trouble blew over.

We made it all the way to Tennessee, but alas I was caught masturbating in a Wendy's bathroom with a mouth full of a masonic french fries...(I hate you masons... but your fast food is sooo goood!) Actually I think Wendy's was set up by the Masons just to catch me and my friends.

So after we got to guantanamo, that bitch Lyndie was there to embarrass us and make us bathe in kraft dinner to add to her sadistic photo album-- after we ate her period drenched kotext as punishment they stripped us then threw us in that cuban dirt bucket, without even being read the constitution! or even a chance to request a duel. JUSTICE WAS NOT SERVED!

SO we had to deal with all the terris'ts in there, but luckily I had a plan to escape. I had learnt about it from the Butterfly Effect (one of the greatest educational films of all time)-- taking one of those Core-Annes I started to write a story about when I was a kid being forced to go to the gay-pride parade--
well using the powers of Kutcher I was able to go back in time and then steal a pocket knife which I had two bears shove up my ass. When I woke up blood was gushing from my nose-- I thought it was all a dream until I took a Jon sized shit and there was the Pocket knife!!! It was a jesufied miracle (I'm SO making saint-hood)

So I killed Lyndie and cut my way out of guantanamo bay- I then disguised myself as a manatee and swam to the land of the free America! It was a long trip, but I lived off sea-garbage and dead fish.

So, I ditched Clancey... I know he will survive somehow...

Somehow I managed to gain weight through the whole ordeal- I blame stress. But at least I know what happened to Terri.