SO let me frame this little story here...
I was on my usual sex-vacation to mexico, minding my own biznatch having a great old time! I got this wonderful girlfriend named Chelsea-- she was just like I prefer my Double Quarter pounders-- extra fresh out the oven!! Yeh she was a little young, but I can go under my dating age if we're in a monogamous business transaction. Here is a little pic of my new HAWT B1TCH:
Hot pic eh? I love to give women their first breast exam-- as the TV says... you can never start too early!!
Well that damn environment ruined my awesomest vacation... hurricane Wilma came after my Gentleman's resort in Cancun... I was shocked because I thought we took care of the environment in the '70s with all that nuclear waste and cfcs... and then when Godzilla came we killed that jap bastard too... because his brain was too small and people rule the universe!!!
Anyway no hurricane is going to ruin my vacation!! I Hit those waves like Oprah hits her boyfriend... I knew that something had to be up or down... Either it was the damn freemasonites or Bush was in trouble again... or That fucking fat Moby Dick was after my tasty white balloonknot, yet again... Little did I know how big this was going to be-- It blew my mind. Once I got home I put on MTV, as per usual... But there it was those Black Eyed PEENERS stole my trademarks, my copyrights, AND my REGISTERS!!
Well let's open the ye old book of Jon's natural history to put things in perspective. A couple years ago I managed FERGII and the Black Eyed Penis back in the day... They were nobodies, some negros I picked up hanging out front of Sam's club... well anyway I gave them a patented Jon-Style look, and Jon-Sized sounds-- I mixed their records and wrote their songs... and I made them famous. I then decided to integrate a Czech prostitute named Fergii (some sort of mushroom I think)... Then the Hottnezz exploded-- and the BEP were #1... but like all success stories they stabbed me in the back- took my car, my coke and ditched me as their manager somewhere in Arizona.
Back to the story.... I heard this song 'My Humps' and I instantly knew that was one of many songs I wrote... they changed the lyrics a little made it gay as hell... the original song was called "My Pump" after the big diggers handiest of power tools.
Here is a picture of me and my former band... (okay... I am into the wigs on occasion, goes well with my foot fetish)
Talk about pop it like it's hot! I am such a god damned stud this picture even turns me on!!
Anyway here was the lyrics to my humps and my pumps... you be the judge on who the PIRATEER is!!
My Humps:
What you gon’ do with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
I’ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps. (Check it out)
My Pump:
What you gon’ do with all that junk?
All that junk inside Jon's trunk?
I’ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my penis pump.
My pump, my pump, my pump, my pump, my pump,
My pump, my pump, my pump, my lovely little peener pump. (Check it out)
WELL IVE HAD IT!!!!
I AM contacting the RIAA, MY MP, My senator, the Toronto SUN, and that liberjew Judge Judy so I can sue those assholes and everyone that's heard my AWESOME love song... the song I Make love to myself to.
GOD DAMMIT! AND THEY EVEN SPED IT UP! I CAN"T LISTEN TO IT IT'S TOO GOD DAMNED FAST! ARGG
