My Trip to Brantford

Well me and my society du ottawa elite male-friends were discussing interesting places for travel and enjoyment purposes... and my favorite gentlmanly Negro suggested a fine gentleman like Jon visit the town of Brantford. At first I was a little skeptical of his Neroid assertions- but I thought back to the wise words of my Grandpappie who once spoke of a far away land where every need he had was met, and where he met some of the finest gentleman on earth!! He had called it Brantford, hearing of these great tales titillated my owl-like senses. Upon hearing this I hailed the most expedient locomotive that Via "I pay for you through taxes" rail had to offer me. On an aside... A bunch of french gatineau Gipsies run that rail service!! First they wouldn't let me smoke my pipe... then they tried to charge me for a coca-collonic beverage-- they didn't even speak english well- and their ticket handling was sub-par to the say the least!! Plus they made me buy an extra ticket because I didn't fit in my seat!! You call that service!!? I call it tom-jewery- I am disabled god-dammit!! Well finally I arrived at the grand-brantfordian-rail station!! and I knew at that moment I was in a kind-of Jon-Topia!! I began to cry I was so happy... like I finally found a place that understood me and nurtured me-- of course there were a few problems... My great-grandpa gave me this sacred bill:



I never found the bank of brantford... but I know that my grandpappie was onto something, I kept this near my heart in the land of the free- brantford.

Let me tell you some of the best aspects of Brantford. All the stores are shut down. It's like someone read my mind!! No annoying stores to take my hard-earned money... It was amazing!

The beauty is surreal:




I instantly made some friends, and we drank and walked around downtown and were very merry! We then went to the casino and picked up some Injian whores. It was like the olden days when the monarchy still meant something!!!



The middle of the town was marked by a park shaped like a union jack- I never found a more sacred place to drunkenly urinate in my life!

The very next day, my travels around brantford led me to meet the most interesting people, fellow gentleman who appreciate grease- I went to admirals, and my new friends told me to order a small fry... At first I got so mad and my face got red- I said "WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM A FUCKING CHINESE DONKEY! YOU SON OF A ..." when Jimbo just looked at me- I could tell by the look in his remaining working eye that there was something special about this... and I remember I was in no ordinary city.
Immediately the older gentleman at the store gave me the small fry.... I nearly shit myself... it was in a container so large... at the very least 50 potatoes almost like I hit the french fry jackpot! and they were greasy and heaping... I began to cry, and all of us had a group hug. The burgers were great... I had two... at least 4000 calories per burger for like 3$ I Began to believe again that there is still hope left in the world.

There was at least 500 tim hortons in Brantford, which tickled my fancy for doughnuts and coffee- and every single one was busier than the last. The wonderful townfolk of brantford would bring their lawn chairs to tim hortons and sit out front and smoke their finest injian cigarets-- It was a beautiful sight... A land so south that it escapes the dirty hands of the liberjew government- where the law doesnt matter... and people can be themselves.

Finally I had to return back to Ottawa... It was the hardest moment of my life, and all my new friends broke down and we had a collective outburst of male emotions.

Dear Brantford, I will be back to enjoy your Injian whores, your wonderous casino, your beautiful downtown that has been jon proofed... and most of all your delicious food and good friends.

I will be back...