My Trip to Brantford

Well me and my society du ottawa elite male-friends were discussing interesting places for travel and enjoyment purposes... and my favorite gentlmanly Negro suggested a fine gentleman like Jon visit the town of Brantford. At first I was a little skeptical of his Neroid assertions- but I thought back to the wise words of my Grandpappie who once spoke of a far away land where every need he had was met, and where he met some of the finest gentleman on earth!! He had called it Brantford, hearing of these great tales titillated my owl-like senses. Upon hearing this I hailed the most expedient locomotive that Via "I pay for you through taxes" rail had to offer me. On an aside... A bunch of french gatineau Gipsies run that rail service!! First they wouldn't let me smoke my pipe... then they tried to charge me for a coca-collonic beverage-- they didn't even speak english well- and their ticket handling was sub-par to the say the least!! Plus they made me buy an extra ticket because I didn't fit in my seat!! You call that service!!? I call it tom-jewery- I am disabled god-dammit!! Well finally I arrived at the grand-brantfordian-rail station!! and I knew at that moment I was in a kind-of Jon-Topia!! I began to cry I was so happy... like I finally found a place that understood me and nurtured me-- of course there were a few problems... My great-grandpa gave me this sacred bill:



I never found the bank of brantford... but I know that my grandpappie was onto something, I kept this near my heart in the land of the free- brantford.

Let me tell you some of the best aspects of Brantford. All the stores are shut down. It's like someone read my mind!! No annoying stores to take my hard-earned money... It was amazing!

The beauty is surreal:




I instantly made some friends, and we drank and walked around downtown and were very merry! We then went to the casino and picked up some Injian whores. It was like the olden days when the monarchy still meant something!!!



The middle of the town was marked by a park shaped like a union jack- I never found a more sacred place to drunkenly urinate in my life!

The very next day, my travels around brantford led me to meet the most interesting people, fellow gentleman who appreciate grease- I went to admirals, and my new friends told me to order a small fry... At first I got so mad and my face got red- I said "WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM A FUCKING CHINESE DONKEY! YOU SON OF A ..." when Jimbo just looked at me- I could tell by the look in his remaining working eye that there was something special about this... and I remember I was in no ordinary city.
Immediately the older gentleman at the store gave me the small fry.... I nearly shit myself... it was in a container so large... at the very least 50 potatoes almost like I hit the french fry jackpot! and they were greasy and heaping... I began to cry, and all of us had a group hug. The burgers were great... I had two... at least 4000 calories per burger for like 3$ I Began to believe again that there is still hope left in the world.

There was at least 500 tim hortons in Brantford, which tickled my fancy for doughnuts and coffee- and every single one was busier than the last. The wonderful townfolk of brantford would bring their lawn chairs to tim hortons and sit out front and smoke their finest injian cigarets-- It was a beautiful sight... A land so south that it escapes the dirty hands of the liberjew government- where the law doesnt matter... and people can be themselves.

Finally I had to return back to Ottawa... It was the hardest moment of my life, and all my new friends broke down and we had a collective outburst of male emotions.

Dear Brantford, I will be back to enjoy your Injian whores, your wonderous casino, your beautiful downtown that has been jon proofed... and most of all your delicious food and good friends.

I will be back...

That Terri's it!

Well you dumb witted fast polks have done it again! You and your collective lack of attention span have killed terri shavivo! If yer smart (like me) you will know what that means you bastard heathens! THat's right! I am going to dig her up.

I was reading that UNpopular Science rag at the gynocologist's office and I was looking through the back cause the articles are a bunch of "we landed on the moon and the world is round" garbage. I found this Jesus Hedgewood Christ Endorced cloning mache/resurector/juice. It can be build with parts from around the normal american house and the allen key included with the kit.

So basically I need a can openner, a yarmakul, and a pair of chopsticks. I don't know what that minority stuff is for by i guess i need it. I just bought a honda civic with Vtech for the motar (only time i don't buy american! Just becuase it was made in america dont mean it be 'merican!) Well anyways I also need a posse (not pussy) , although donations of the second with be gladly excpet as i am in a bit of a dry spell ;). So come on down and dig 'er up! We can't bring her back to life and get a 3rd Bush term if she is in the ground. Let's strike while the corpse is warm and still christian.

I'm suing "Everybody Loves Raymond" for false advertising!

Last night after titillating my mind and senses with a healthy dosage of Jeopardy, I turned the dial on my T.V. to "CBS" to discover something of a curiosity that spiralled into Jon's worst nightmare. Yes, that's right- Everybody Loves Raymond. Well let me say this: The Jewish media kabbal really cooked up a doosy this time!

After I watched this show I needed a morning after pill... it was so bad I was on to plan C. My gastrointestinal tract clenched up and I released my entire daily food intake into my tighty-brownies before the first commercial break. I cannot stand the liberal media! How they thrust their idealized jewy man images at me through Ray Romano's sexy allure. Now despite that aspect, not everybody loves raymond you stupid CBS jews!! I called up four of my nearest and dearest friends and they all agree with me- so as soon as I clear my good name... (I was just showing that little girl some Ottawa hospitality by offering to give a ride, and it's perfectly natural for a man like me to keep candy in his pants), I am initiating the largest class action/false advertising lawsuit ever devised. A lawsuit so big it is going all the way to Ronald McjewyDonald Rumsfeld.

Fucking republiberals-- what happened to the good ole days when they used to burn jews and kill people who shared the last name with a species of lettuce! The world is too liberal for Jon- I can't stand the Raymond liberalization of the family, it's so sickeningly unrealistic-- Ray Romano sleeps in the same bed as his Wife?? What kind of sick mind comes up with such a sick fantasy? My wife sleeps on the floor, if I allow her the right to sleep at all.

...ugh I got side-tracked, back to the lawsuit. I think the name should be changed to: Some Communists feel something resembling love in their godless hearts for homosexual Raymond-- this could be shortened to SCFSRL(ITGH)F Raymond. This is more representative of the moral spirit of the new America- a post 9/11 America.

You damn Rebuliberals... you killed Terri Schavio, you killed the Pope, but yet you let Ray live!!! I wont forget this come election time-- So you better use your powers of the supreme court of north america and you better take care of this jew infested lie parade!!

JON OUT

Fun Food Facts

Besdie loving to eat, I know a lot about food. Like which berries can kill and which ones only give me the runs.

Fun Food Fact 1: There is a resturant in Weehuaken NJ that still referes to onions by the Original name "Jackson's Ground Fruit". I sugest you try the " Battered Jackson's Ground Fruit Elispes", mucho Delicidad!

Fun Food Fact 2: The tomato and the quarter pounder at mcdonalds are made from the same rat genome.

Fun Food Fact 3: American Expressed used to have a beef flavoured credit card.

Fun Food Fact 4: Chlorine is the only eddible noble gas. It doesn;t taste so good.

Fun Food Fact 5: Chinese food is actually the same thing in china, despite what you say.

Fun Food Fact 6: The first Apple McIntosh was actually made from compressed granny smith apples.

Fun Food Fact 7: Honey and fries with bacon: delicous treat or homemade explosive? go find out!

Fun Food Fact 8: The Norwegians invented French Fries but lost the right to have their nationality be the name sake in the great fried potatoe name battle of 1907. It was called the battle of the Pomme. John A MacDonald drunken intervene when the french were winning, thusly creating the internation political economic scene as it is today

Fun Food Fact 9: Seinfeld is actually the name of a kind of Turnip

Fun Food Fact 10: My wedding cake was made of Buffalo Chicken.

Jonny 911: Resucing parents from kids who just won't shut the fuck up!

With the success of the limey Import "Nanny 9/11", I decided to cash in on the horrible children market. Children are getting worse, so naturally shares in programms that eliminate problem children are skyrocketing. Almagamted Coat Hangers (ACHI on the Hang Sen Index) had gone through the roof. When I saw this I reach my zenith of angry (for dates of April 5th inclusive). I ask myself what could I do get some money to get more food (mmm food, metal note get buffalo chicken wings...hey stop reading my mental notes assholes, that was personal! I could have been thinking of sex or something. GET OUT OF MY HEAD!)

Well anyways back to stupid children raise but fuckhead paretns. Here's the outline of Jonny 9/11.

Step 1: I eat some chicken

Step 2: I wipe my greasy hands on my archeologist's uniform and then answer the phone. "Hell, WHat the fuck do you want? What? Is that still on? Cupon I didn't give no cupons! Right! Yes, that was in my short lived magazine 'Modern Joncontent'. I be right over"

Step 3: Charge my rascal scooter.

Step 4: Put on a cape

Step 5: Get lost, find a Mc Donalds and tock up for the long treck a head

Step 6: Stop by "Archeology Depot" but some supplies

Step 7: Kkock down the door, and thusly scaring those little shits. This should scare them little fucks good.

Step 8: Whip out "ol' whippy Mc Whippington" and whip the children

Step 8.1: Break their stupid toys (steal the good ones like that vibrtating elmo)

Step 9: Load them in My white van with no widows and drive to my layer (aka mom's basement)




Step 10: Have those little shits over for the quietest sleep over ever. Make noise and you go into my Obiette (that's frog talk for place of forgetting)

Step 11: Bring them back 13 hours later than promised. "Tuck and roll kids, this van stops only for pussy"

Step 12: Phone parents and remindd them if they are bad "Uncle Jon is coming for family dinner", if they are horrible "They are going to take a trip to uncle Jon's Cabin in the woods" and that I am Santa and must be appeased.



Step 13: More food and a Cheap hooker (or two if I do really good)

Jon 9/11's success rate?

100% of little shits shut the fuck up and parents can drink all the booze they want in peace. I was so good these children raised themselves.

Who wants a Big McJon?

HEY!

Well let me talk about something near and dear to my heart... my gut.
I have a fuck'n problem with food these days- everything is cheap, small portions, and low everything!

When I go out and spend my hard earned cheque- I want to get my MONEYS WORTH YOU FUCKING MORONS!!

It's hard enough to have read off the menu aloud- and have to deal with the stares of all those ignorant fools... it's also really hard to keep up with fucking waiter who can't even slow down for 5 god damned minutes to tell me what the soup du Jewer is.

Well let me tell you something- I HAVE had my fill of the midget food everyone is trying to stuff down my gizzard hole.

First let me show you the evidence-- see illustration 1a


(illustration 1a)

Look at how small that burger is! It's tiny- I remember when Big Macs used to be big!!-- like HUGE! Check them out now... It's so small that this shrimp-like man is almost able to stuff the whole thing in his mouth- that isnt a meal! If I wanted to, I could fit that mans head in my mouth you bitch.

So let me tell you my solution I am opening up a fast food restaurant in my summer home in Kanata. We will only serve one item and that is the Big McJon-

Have a look see:


SO Finally gentlemen with discerning tastes can get a decent meal without having to suffer- I will offer private eating rooms in my restaurant so you can eat in privacy. I will offer all handicapped size bathrooms. and NO REFUNDS on anything. No ethnicities of any kind allowed, and no handitards and hell-- no women.

If you mention this blog I will give you a free massage.
Well I am off to eat my Big Mcjon-- the most delicious meat on earth.

Paris on my tv and my best friend died: two evils in the world beside you fucking kids

Well, today is a sad day. I day so sad that it makes bigdigger not so pic, if you know what i mean. No, i didn't lose weight, i just can't get it up. You fucking bastards are going to fast god damn it! You killed the pope and made paris hilton famous. You stupid kids. That sharp faced whore should not be famous. She moves to fast and her face is too sharp. You could get cut and die of blood loss on that bitches face god damn it!



How is she famous! I have sex tapes and i am not famous. My 1996 NAMBLA megamix tape was downloaded only 2nd to Pam and Tommy (more than Gay-aris Fagilton). This country moves too fast and missed the genius that it my ouevre!
Enough of the sharp faced whore, on to JPII

I hope the internet police aren't reading this but i think i killed the pope. That's what happens when you go to fast. Yes, Jon went to fast for Jon. I was like a 28.8k modem in a 14.4 world.

look at the evidence:




there is the offender JOn Q what's my name. I had caught the FIV from my neighbors fast moving cat. Yes, I caught the pussy disease (feline immunodefiency virus). Fucking cats always quickly sneaking about like commies. They are always trying to steal my food, like my first wife. I had to lock her in the basement so i could eat my Quintuple quarter pounder with cheese gravy and crack baby super super sized meal with out some jap bitch stelaing my fries. Jon's fries are his and his alone. If you steal a fry, expect to lose a hand. I am fucking fast like the young peoples music if i have to be.

So RIP JP II, my negro. Best Popery of Jon's life (well, maybe Pius X)

and PDN (please die now) paris "my face is so sharp that shit cuts you through the tv" ramada

You goddamn kids and your music!

I went to a "trip and hop" show last night. What the hell was that?! You damn kids and your shitty music. It was all repetitive like the japs and goddamn it was too damn fast! All those scrubby looking criddlers were drinking their "beers" and wearing their "cool" clothes (read "fucker hats"). And there was some skinny guy named r2d2.







If you advertise r2d2 I wanna see a fucking robot! I wanna her beeps and booops not me looking at some skinny guy ruining records. WHAT IS WITH YOU KIDS! I was raised to believe that if i so much as breathed on a record my penis would fall off. Well, this guy probably has a void down their that not even John Holmes could fill. All them light were giving me a headache. I didn't pay 25 dollars to get a headache. I wanted to do that i would get a prostitute and have her hit me with a 13" black dildo! I hate you damn kids, you and your fast ass music. Where's the bluegrass? Where's the bagpipes? You kids and your electron Music. Look at me I can use e-mail to write a song in dos. Oh Wait that's not music! It's a frigging sound repeated in a pattern. These damn hop head must have been on the "devils grass" cause you would have to be high to put up with that clap trapping Japanese sounding fast music.

I've said it before and i will say it again

SLOW DOWN GODDAMN IT, I AM COMPLETELY LOST HERE! I DON"T EVEN KNOWS WHATS GOING ON!

Canada Post... send me some poontang!!

GOD DAMMIT!

After quitting that ignoramical Japanese I am so F'n lonely....

I remember the only reason I took that class was to meet chinkers.
Well... let me just say that this big-digger was too much to handle.... you can't handle this jelly cause im so bootylicioususu!

SO I called those terrorists at Canada-Post and demanded they send me their finest fhilly... and by filly I mean Filipina.
They must have been having some phone issues because I lost the connection jesus christ!!

So since I have this here intermanet- I think it's time I archaeologically explored my search results in order to find the hottest piece of yellow ass God created for ME.

So let's go over some of these fine specimens:

I'm torn between two hot women:

First is Krystal Gay:
Woo doggy- now look at that thing. She must live in some kind of spacial vortex near the tsunami... but that's okay--
She's 19- that is my dating age, I try not to go over that there age.
Her English is marked as (Very Good)-- now that is a surprise because my English is rated as (Somewhat Disgruntled, poor pronunciation), Inteligement women is a hot thing.
Her weight is ideal... she weights nothing according to her website- perhaps it has to do with living in the vortex- but I prefer my women to weigh nothing.

Let me tell you Krystal- I don't mind my women gay at all... so we can do them 3somes and shit-- I gotta try that before I loose my youth.

Best of all... she says :Hi! You can Trust me... -- well baby cakes, you had me at "Hi!".

Okay onto the next Bitchosuru:

OH mother of mercy- this next girlie is THFJTSAFTL! (Too Hot For Jon To Stare At For Too Long!)


Her name... is Jing, and she is from China.

God! I love the name Jing, and I can't figure out why!?
Her special message to me: May I have luck to find my life companion in the cook year of China... Cook year??? COOK - You mean COCK you dumb chinker and if you keep playing the dumb card that is just what I'm going to give you- Some white superior to your race COCK!.

Now I got my blood-penile pressure up!! oh jeebus! Now it says here she is 47- but using my skills I've deduced it's really a spelling mistake (like cook) and Jing is really only 17, the perfect jontasmic age of consent.

What she wants: I hope to meet: Personally he is clean, regular, gentle, kind, honest, work hard, responsible, loving, generous, one woman man.

First of all, HOW DARE YOU! I AM clean you stupid broad...I got rid of those shingles.... and Regular, I go at least twice a day. Some women expect EVERYTHING.

Well the only problem with Jing is I still feel something is missing... Hmm Jing....

Oh well the escapade continues...as I seek my dream hoe to clean my buspass and make me food.

Slow Down! Your going to fast

I just got the internets to upload onto my computer. What a waste of my god damn time! This is more of a waste than Japanese class. I tried saving it to my 5.23" floppy (he he he not that 5.23 floppy) and it crashed my Leading Edge 486. Bastards!I mean, hang on there I gotta fart....there it is. Ok, wiat....ok I am done. I mean this internet thing talks faster than that damn jap bitch Hochyugaku or whatever the fuck her name was. She was going faster then one of them shikazoes, you know them fast bullet-esque trains they gots there in Japans. I mean god, can we just take it like the 50's, nice and slow. I mean garrr! Damn her and damn the emperor that fast talking bastard, to many sylabys and shit. Oh god i am gassy. And them bastards in my class, they all think so fast! RAAAAR! I bet it was the internets that made them speak so fast! Those sly dogs, they are as bad on what's her face Kojusan or fucking hirohitosama! I got a japanese sentence for you "go-u fuck-u your-u self-u!" Yeah, America rocks!

Anyways back to the internets! You fuckers talk like fucking fuck! I mean it like hey john "1 1z b t3h pwnz0rs". What the fuck all i understood is that you are young and retarded. I got a sentence for you interweb dweebs "6f73 87fgr2 3848hf". am I 1337s or what! I think the internet gives me gas. That or Japanese class.

Well i think i may drop the internets like i dropped JAPA 2200B. Unversity, that's for commies and the liberal media elite. Japs talk to fast and now matter what they say the internet is for furries and other such communists


Do you have stairs in your house?