I just ordered a gross

The neighbourhood kids will be getting a surprize. Gunna hide in a bush and then BLAM OOZINATION!

http://host.exemplum.com/hasbro/supersoaker/videos/oozinator/oozinatorVid.htm

Jon's fuckin Tea shirts shaq is OPEN!

Got the first batch here!








Got the first batch here!

I fucked your Son!

APRIl FOOLS! He fucked me!

Finally Goggle gets some contents!

Maybe this will teach me what I am doing wrong. They always runa way :(

I am going to snuggle up to the old jonputer with a bucket of wings and a note pad.

Wow! My early days!

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-2987243478639579087&q=Sex+Education+for+Trainables&pl=true

Never thought that would be on the webbernetter. I was only into trainables then.

A new Apendix to the bible?

Amajew dot communism just delivered a package to my door through the long army of the liberal nanny state known better as the "Canada Post". Well anyways, this lil treasure sure did brighten my week. Hell its the second best thing to happen to me this decade besides the election of Saint Harper of Albertus. Long live harper and his anti-Martini ways. Speaking of liberals under beds, I think Paul Martin is living under mine. Altough it could be some pizza that became a sentient being after sinergizing with mold.

So here the book.




Some pictars



fucking Madonna, always spilling lemonade. What the shit!



I thought Joe Clark was cCanadina!



This is what happens when you vote LIEberal~! This poor kid cant afford close and has a skin disorder untreaded raging rampant like Jon!

Jonomometer

SINCE YOU CZNT FIGUER IT OUT!!!!! ORDER OF Jon's HATE!!!!

Remember, alwyas carry protection when in a strange cunt

Boxing Day More like SHut the FUck up Day!

Communists! All these stores are nothing but commies! I went to go browse for a new black and white television ( I hate anything coloured) and BAH! Nothing ! Not one black and white tlelvision! Colour Hifi WIfi modem HDDTV HGTV with CTV and WDRSQY! I want vacuum tubes and BW. Too much to ask! 13" (like me ;)) and VTBW. ANd there was all these people in the storre. I was like a tokyo subway when then emperor is in town!

My new goal in life is to kill boxing day. See boxing is a good sport by i no longer wish to see its good name besmerched by this commufestivus! No boxing day by 2010! That's my campaign promise. THat's right Jon is running for Parliament!@ I will win and they will all look up to me like the power rangers look up to Zordo.



After all this Liberal Paul Martin BS, I went to wendy's to get a Spicy Chocken Sammich ans a bakked pototae (i'm on the atkins)! BUt NO! THEY DIDNT HAVE ONE READY! FAST FOOD is sposda be fast people!@Other wise, I'd go down to my ex wife's house and make her make me so goddamn wings andf shit! And NO FUCKING POTOTAES! What rthe hell! RAAAAAAAAAAAAWRG! I threw A beer bottle at the immignt and told him to make me triple but with 8 patties on the fucking house! and put some hot sauce on it Hajib!!!!! So i got my essential meats but am had to go to the LCBO for a box of wine! AAnd it was full priced, If I haver to suffer threw coxing day well my wine should be cheap!

This is what I did to that bitch Wendy and her fat dad, Jim or what ever his name is!



I'm not the first one in my familt to run (figuratively) for office.

Why I can't Vote...

Well those damned liberals...

They ruined my thanksgiving again.

You see election time is coming soon to a school gymnasium near you (jock-straps are optional... I'll be wearing mine)

Well last year Jon got a big fine by that pussy whipped unholy sepulchre of the evil liberjew governance.

and why you may ask?? Because I ate ballots... they are made of a delicious substrate that draws out voters.. .and sadly since it is now illegal I will be too hungry to vote this year.

Sample made by me:
The counterfoil adds a new dimension of krispieness to the delicious ballot.

Life isn't easy... and now it just got harder for me... FUCK I'm handicapped you know, I need to eat more than a regular man because of my gout.

Back in the olden-days they used to make the ballots scratch and sniff-- so you could sniff out a Jew running for office... they got rid of that one too... and now that you can't even eat the ballot afterwards-- it's sacrilegious as my gatineau friends tell me in their heathen tongue.

Well it's for the better anyway, not like anyone I would vote for is running... Chairman Mao was the finest gentleman ever, and ever since he ran... voting has been hard.

Here is a little illustration I made to make things a little more clear:



Wait a second... Cletus (who is overlooking my head and shoulders) is saying that mao was a communist? I find that one hard to believe because that super fag Jackmeoff LayTONE is a stupid NDP commufag from fag village.

and evidence 3f - layton's cam"pain" poster:


So screw the election.... or screw my erection... it's all too fast for me-- god damn Adrienne Clarkson and her illegitament child Kelly

God Damn

This boy sure know how to dress...


I'm feelin a little blood flow down there... woo I didn't eat those spicy wings, but it sure is gettin hot in heer.

I hate cats: Fucking fuckers!

What's this cockboat so happy about?! don't know he probably shat in my bed!



Maybe they are not all bad. I shall call him JOnnykat. If it like winges and hookers, i might just change my mind




GET OUT OF JONS KNADY YOU TWAT! RAAAAAAAAWR!~



Don't look surprized because I accused you of shitting in my bed! You did it! I have the tapes!



Looks cute to it tries to steal your breath



Drill cat, fuck em! I'll cover him in barbeque sauce and make catwings! I'll kill his family.

Jon's Getting his Words: The path to being Legitimate!

Fuck hooked on Phoenix! I got some old British Naval books! They will learn me up good on how to speakc propper english!

First Word!

ne'er-do-well
n. An idle, irresponsible person.

Jon is a ne'er-do-well because he does not go on enough digs

The Origins of Blog

Blog: Noun, VI, VT, ADJ, VERB

Modern English: Blog from Modern English, From Modern English: Web log, From Modern English Internetalweb Loggin Account update, From Middle English: Intyrwibbe Luggan Eccunte Apdet, From Old English Endralrialouybbbe Lughghhhghgchwabgh Eghcghoughnt Aghpchdetre.

see also: blogger, blogspot, blogosphere, go blogyourself, bligblog, and bloggity (ebonix)

Blog is english! You can blog japanse. some fast talking jap blogged this: 무의식을 의식화 하지 않으면, 무의식이 우리 삶의 방향을 결정하게 되는데,우리는 바로 이런 것을 두고 운명이라고 부른다."- 칼 융(Carl Jung).

you leave Carl Jung out of this and I'll leave this out of Carl Hung

My Rememberance day...

According to my telegraphic device, General Tso has just been diagnosed with Avian-Fluenza.... The telewire message is urging all gentleman to horde as much of General Tso's chicken as possible... as his chicken days may be numbered.

Go to your local house of worship and invoke your deity to save this saint... my life may also depend on it.

Jon out

G is for Gayffito Taggers!

YOU FAST TALKING KIDS HAVE DONED IT AGAIN! Youth culture more like "let's fuck up jon's walls and shit" You like commusexuals! I pay taxes and you get welfare to buy markers and shit well i tell its about hi time I got some markers and shit and BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! You got me all riled up like a rat in a blender! Well, it's time to take back the streets. I am getting some of the guns i looted in New ORleans@!

They got Bush! Nooooooooooo!


I hate MC Hammer!


I am going to kill this linux fcuker!


Well, at least they ran out of wall so they "ruined" each others work!


So they it is! Scandal of the day; a vandal! So, I need to go to MCdonald then get some buffalo wing just to calm down. I'll need a box of wine to sleep tonite!

BEP Stole my Trademarks AGAIN!

SO let me frame this little story here...

I was on my usual sex-vacation to mexico, minding my own biznatch having a great old time! I got this wonderful girlfriend named Chelsea-- she was just like I prefer my Double Quarter pounders-- extra fresh out the oven!! Yeh she was a little young, but I can go under my dating age if we're in a monogamous business transaction. Here is a little pic of my new HAWT B1TCH:

Hot pic eh? I love to give women their first breast exam-- as the TV says... you can never start too early!!

Well that damn environment ruined my awesomest vacation... hurricane Wilma came after my Gentleman's resort in Cancun... I was shocked because I thought we took care of the environment in the '70s with all that nuclear waste and cfcs... and then when Godzilla came we killed that jap bastard too... because his brain was too small and people rule the universe!!!



Anyway no hurricane is going to ruin my vacation!! I Hit those waves like Oprah hits her boyfriend... I knew that something had to be up or down... Either it was the damn freemasonites or Bush was in trouble again... or That fucking fat Moby Dick was after my tasty white balloonknot, yet again... Little did I know how big this was going to be-- It blew my mind. Once I got home I put on MTV, as per usual... But there it was those Black Eyed PEENERS stole my trademarks, my copyrights, AND my REGISTERS!!

Well let's open the ye old book of Jon's natural history to put things in perspective. A couple years ago I managed FERGII and the Black Eyed Penis back in the day... They were nobodies, some negros I picked up hanging out front of Sam's club... well anyway I gave them a patented Jon-Style look, and Jon-Sized sounds-- I mixed their records and wrote their songs... and I made them famous. I then decided to integrate a Czech prostitute named Fergii (some sort of mushroom I think)... Then the Hottnezz exploded-- and the BEP were #1... but like all success stories they stabbed me in the back- took my car, my coke and ditched me as their manager somewhere in Arizona.

Back to the story.... I heard this song 'My Humps' and I instantly knew that was one of many songs I wrote... they changed the lyrics a little made it gay as hell... the original song was called "My Pump" after the big diggers handiest of power tools.

Here is a picture of me and my former band... (okay... I am into the wigs on occasion, goes well with my foot fetish)



Talk about pop it like it's hot! I am such a god damned stud this picture even turns me on!!

Anyway here was the lyrics to my humps and my pumps... you be the judge on who the PIRATEER is!!

My Humps:

What you gon’ do with all that junk?
All that junk inside your trunk?
I’ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my hump.
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely little lumps. (Check it out)

My Pump:

What you gon’ do with all that junk?
All that junk inside Jon's trunk?
I’ma get, get, get, get, you drunk,
Get you love drunk off my penis pump.
My pump, my pump, my pump, my pump, my pump,
My pump, my pump, my pump, my lovely little peener pump. (Check it out)

WELL IVE HAD IT!!!!

I AM contacting the RIAA, MY MP, My senator, the Toronto SUN, and that liberjew Judge Judy so I can sue those assholes and everyone that's heard my AWESOME love song... the song I Make love to myself to.



GOD DAMMIT! AND THEY EVEN SPED IT UP! I CAN"T LISTEN TO IT IT'S TOO GOD DAMNED FAST! ARGG

Democracy is in Trouble!

And a newer, lighter Jon is here to save it! Them godless socialites in Southern America rejected the greatest offer since Walmart dropped the 99's! Bushie and I are off to defernd freedom! One of those god damn ruskavelts threw a rock and hit Buchanan in the nutters.

We stopped the riots and restored order. Too goddamn bad them Bazil nuts are still being communists and rejected the countinance of god and BUsh! Spit in the face of god and face full of Bush!

Freedomcrat Out!

I need some Dirty Porn as a reward! Tlist.com, best in trannies!

I ran (I ran so far away)

Hurrican! Hurrican! The fan was about to hit the shit so I ran to a dig. I claimed to be an eminant professor from George W Bush university and go a job as a site manager/bone expert. Well, I am a bone Expert! :P


Here are the pics:


GOD DAMN I LOST A WING! Leave no wing behind!




The Site. I added the details!




Open yer mouth, Here cums jon!




That's why I do it! the chicks!





My fursona!

I think we may have found a new member...

... To the Ottawa Gentleman's Club.

He's a champion of human-rights, and I like his big-digger style.


Click the pic to see a man stick up for his god given rights!

...Speaking of Sex Tapes!!!

Well those internets have done it.... after reviewing my review that ebaum jew stole my sex video and put a clip of big jon on the web... let me tell you this is the gold standard for all self-sex tapes. I give it an 11.326 out of 10.... Yeah it's that good- a little bit of my ancient aramaic dance moves to some hot rap track just blows the clothes off the 16 and under!!

Woo I'm so hot-- production value is a 20... me shaving my beard took 12 years off my age!

Fellers... I suggest not watching this because you are guaranteed to turn gay for me.... sorry.

Well Bratz here is the cure for menopause Jon style

Sex tape round up!

I found some new stuff in my kazzer puss puss jonloaded files! So, here it goes in Jonobetical order.

Fred Durst Sex Tape

Verdict: His Limpbizkit is no quite so limp! A good preformace by the cock. Where the fuck is the cum shot! And how is this girl! Where are the hotboys! Or Baby bratz! This bitch is like 20!

5/7 Jon burgers

Bam Margarinera:

Verdict: Where the fuck is the pene-a-tration! This sucked. Viva la Bam, more la where the fuck is the action.

0.234*/67 Don vito's

*amount of cock in action I saw

One Night in Paris

Verdickt: I am surprized Rick Salmons big ticket wasn't sliced up my her sharp face. Her tits look twelve, so its a pass.

6/8 of rick's inches

Tonya harding: The Hardening

Verdict: This video needs to get nancy keriganned

15/100 years of a life time ban

Pam and Tommy:

Verdict: The Adam and Eve of sex tapes. Good tits, good sets, great cock, bad tattoos and a humourous story line. Needs more underage 14 somes, but hey this was the shit in 1994. Sold almost as many as My NAMBLA mega mix. Hats of to the big couple. I bought this on vinyl when it first came out.

10/11 years of Pam-o-tom-oliciousness!


Black Woman Fucks A horse:

needs further review...

Jonz bratz baybz!

The baby girls with a sense of so fucking hot! Normally, The Jonnanor 6001 MarkII does not go for such chicanery with mizpillded naymz but HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLY SHIT. I usually feel guilty about going this low on the old age-0-meter, not today. I have reached a new low...and high! It's like they took all the hotnizz in the rain bow and shrunk into multi-ethnic, pan-hottolicious bite size chunkz of wow! Mmmm, jon will be occupied for the next 5 mins. SOOOOOO FUCK OFF YOU JAPO COMMUNISTS! It's wankin season and i have a hankering for a wankering!

mmmmm bratz babyzzzzzzz.

click the like chinkies!

Let down of the century!

Wow! Big digger just got not so big after stumbling on to the japo crapo.

Reasons why Jon is disapointed:

1. PAY FOR PORN! I got 28.8k modem! so fast i ran out of porn in January! It's all on my....heh....hard drive. My C;\! GET IT! haha, sest riche mon amis!

2. CLOWNS!!!!! AAAAAAAARG! might as well be sock puppets! I had to use a 10 foot clown pole to reset the Jonputer

3. It was more like formerly mentally unstable and now well balanced thanks to exercise and a health diet (no drugs, tom cruisazy says no to drugs and yes to L RON)

4.PAY FOR PORN!

5. Waste of Faygo (aka god's urine. everytime i round 8 mile i chug a faygo)

6 WHAT IS A JUggle Ho?

7.plastic titties?! only on my real doll!

8. All look no touch

9. 9/11 jopkes abesnt, must be terrerists, so i reporded it to my ol' buddy G W spot.

10. Yeah, that's right asshole


http://www.insaneclownpussy.com/

I am Diabetic, but i still whipped out my KY jelly

I am in Love!


hehehhe!

Jon out!


Expect a post on penis burns from friction! http://www.hobosexual.com/


go! go! go! go! go! go! go!

this bear goes gurrrrrrrrrr!

What I did after the "Great Escape"

I bought a car with a $20 I found floating in the Saint Lawrence after escaping Guttanimo Gay. I thought gee, maybe Big Dig (my street name) could use a sporty new ride. I got the Idea from that Commie Channle MTV (masoinic Telle visor). So while attaching a Big Muffler to my car, my pants fell down (damn extension cord belt) and my penis fell out, got hard and landed in the pipe. I got stuck! i tried to remove it repeatedly by thrusting; I came. I have been in the garage ever since.

Right now, I am getting a Philipino hooker, a sandwhich, 3 carrots, a cucumber, lube and a screw driver. I got a really good idea.


again: http://blackroses.textfiles.com/sex/sex-cars.faq


Jon Out



or is it in?

heh

Worst Kidnapping this year

So, I've been gone for a while-- I feel a little jonfeated cause those fucking freemasons caught me again!! Somehow that that liberass Bill Clinton got me locked up in Guantanamo... again... and all those holy anti-terrah laws our saviour, Dubya, put into place were somehow used against me!! the best man alive.


So it all started when Clancey and big Jon were surfing these Internets when Clancey (A respected Ottawa Gentleman, and the inventor of the electric fly zapper) decided to show me the 'Real' Google. Using a secret hand position on his mouse and by entering in the phrase 'M450N' into google we were instantly taken to the Real Google site... I knew Google was run by the masons, but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't figure out the way to get in.

So I knew that me and Clancey had a limited time to get the info we needed before they tracked us down... so I put in "What really happened to Terri?" And after some cool 2d transitions and smoke effects I got to the first result and got the complete account of the real story... Terri was a terrar fighter, she was protecting the Arc of the Covenant, the Colonels 11 herbs and spices, and the secret formula for Coke from those dirty Muuslac Arabs that so jealously want our copyrights. So one night after protecting America from terrarism, Terri-the anti-terrar-Schaivo decided to fill up her gas at Amoco-- what she didn't know that the AM in amoco didnt stand for american... but really Ahkbar Mohamad... the Ahkbar Mohamad Oil Conglomorate (and) Onions.


She filled up her tank and drove away... it wasn't evil camel fumes from the gasolene put her in a recoverable-comatose state.... it was what happened next. She turned her radio dial to a 'Jack FM' Station... the resulting onslaught of 'your ipod on shuffle' music without an announcer put her into a Vegetative state faster than Harper destroying government! Bush intervened, but then the Freemasons jumped in and threatened to bite off another of his mothers beautiful American breasts! GW protected his mom and the Freemasons killed Terri. My heart was farting I was so upset... I finally had the information to get those dirty Masons.... so I searched for their leader next-- it was none other than that dirty "King of all Jews" Howard STERN!!! We fought Stern before using the FCC and a pvc potato gun, and I thought we could do it again... we logged out of the computer and blew it up with nitro glycerine-- then expediently proceeded to drive to Mexcio until the trouble blew over.

We made it all the way to Tennessee, but alas I was caught masturbating in a Wendy's bathroom with a mouth full of a masonic french fries...(I hate you masons... but your fast food is sooo goood!) Actually I think Wendy's was set up by the Masons just to catch me and my friends.

So after we got to guantanamo, that bitch Lyndie was there to embarrass us and make us bathe in kraft dinner to add to her sadistic photo album-- after we ate her period drenched kotext as punishment they stripped us then threw us in that cuban dirt bucket, without even being read the constitution! or even a chance to request a duel. JUSTICE WAS NOT SERVED!

SO we had to deal with all the terris'ts in there, but luckily I had a plan to escape. I had learnt about it from the Butterfly Effect (one of the greatest educational films of all time)-- taking one of those Core-Annes I started to write a story about when I was a kid being forced to go to the gay-pride parade--
well using the powers of Kutcher I was able to go back in time and then steal a pocket knife which I had two bears shove up my ass. When I woke up blood was gushing from my nose-- I thought it was all a dream until I took a Jon sized shit and there was the Pocket knife!!! It was a jesufied miracle (I'm SO making saint-hood)

So I killed Lyndie and cut my way out of guantanamo bay- I then disguised myself as a manatee and swam to the land of the free America! It was a long trip, but I lived off sea-garbage and dead fish.

So, I ditched Clancey... I know he will survive somehow...

Somehow I managed to gain weight through the whole ordeal- I blame stress. But at least I know what happened to Terri.

PSP is for People (with) Small Penis!

HOLY Jesus H shit! I cannot believe kids these days using Dr. Cooper's Cellular tele-switch 2-way communications microwave radio device! Just like food all these gizmos are shrinking faster than Regis Philbins penis!! Back in the day when I first met Dr. Cooper he stole the idea for the so called "cell-phone" from ME!!! Back in the day I had a complicated system of carrier pigeons, and serbian raised russian hamsters-- Basically how it worked was when I need to harrass someone and find out where they were, I would perform a series of complex hand gestures before these animals using the techniques I learned after being the only Canadian to go to Vietnam and be captured-- I was taught these techniques by a Viet Cong general named Pholang Duan-- The inventor of the popular food "Pho"... anyway I dont want to get off track-- but the basically the carrier pigeons would carry the hamsters to the person I requested-- then drop the serbian raised russian hamsters on my friend-- the hamsters would attack the person and I would follow the screams in order to make plans and give a bevy of harrasing questions. SO that jerk stole my idea, but instead using microwaves which are even more deadly than hamsters! Speaking of stealing gadgets-- back when I was digging in the Russian mountains to find some more russian hamsters for my wireless communications system-- I came upon a small village, in that village they played a game... that game was pretty basic it involved dropping large Ice-blocks from the top of the mountain, when they completed a line of blocks someone near the bottom shot the ice-blocks and cleared the line-- sound familiar? You should know it-- it was originally called "Uncle Jon's Escape from the Monkey Egg Princess"-- but when the Nintenjews got their hands on it (and stole it) they renamed it Tetris. I had invented a portable system to play my new game... I called it the Uncle Jon's Acid battery driven portable entertainment system, UJABDPES for short.
It was Jon sized-- perfect for portable gaming-- It was powered by 50 Radio Vacume tubes which I charged with a car battery. Those Japanese with their small penii were totally offended and ashamed by the sheer Jon sized beauty of the UJABDPES so they stole it- used some ninjas on me and shrunk it to match their miniscule man-meat. Of course with my stolen game, and my stolen system those Japs made quadrillions of dollars. Those damn Ninjas they threw pepper in my eyes and made me drink sake until I gained 50 pounds and couldn't escape in my drunken stupor. Well anyway the moral of the story is the size of the gadgets you use is evidence of the size of your penis, don't trust japs... and if a Ninja is coming after you, just shoot him in his jesus hating anti-lutheran head!!

The power of the gentleman's club

I just wanted to let everyone know that using the power of the gentleman's club got that Jewy show "Everyone Loves [Hates] Raymond. After reading my blog they had to take it off the air. Be afraid of my power!!

Jon Wars Episode Three

I haven't posted in a while because I have been really busy with my latest reflected picture story called Star Wars Episode 3. You may have heard of it-- Many of the fans remember my movie debut, I get a lot of fan mail and pussay when people find out my illustrious acting career and my famous Cocacaine snuffing pals, like George Lucas... So you still don't remember my Character? Click the pic below to refresh your memory god dammit!



Yes that's right!! I played myself-- now the name Jabba comes from one of my favorite bands Abba... the J is for Jon and I live in a Hut in the forest where the illuminati can't track my bowl movements. So for those who didn't know... the big secret is out-- It was a huge role for me, and I also had a lot of influence on the direction of star-wars because Lucas is one of my best friends, and is also part of my Ottawa Gentleman's club.

This is Me and George having a Vodka-candle lit discussion. He dropped the Droid bomb and outed C3P0-- I was so shocked I felt a little bit of excrement poke out!



I hate to brag (okay I lied I love bragging!!) But I am going to be in Episode 3, I inspire george by my manly physique, my language skills-- I will be the best Jabba ever!

Now let me throw in some spoilers:

1. Episode 3 is really one giant metaphor for terri schaivo- with Anakin representing pro abortion, baby killing jews... and yoda represents my inner desire for pizza.

2. I fucked princess "Lay me" Leia in Episode 6-- it's on the DVD outakes in a secret menu-- just add my waste size and the number of nipples on my body-- type it on the remote and hit menu... You can see the whole sensual journey that George cut for a more thematic approach to the chained up princess scene.

3. We actually filmed the movies in order, but travelled back to the golden era of cinema (the late 70's) to release them... which means in a few years I will get to star in episode 4 after it's already been released!! pretty cool eh.

4. Yoda is a midget from new jersey, who became green after mixing New Coke with absolute vodka.. we can't explain it-- but all we know is that he is the damn finest actor on earth.

5. C3P0 is gay... Which makes him evil... details to be released in episode 7 when Jesus comes down to fight darth vadar during Armageddon and C3P0 is the gay robotic anti-christ!!

6. Natalie Portman is a fat, ugly bitch who can't act... stupid cunt also tried to eat my Krispy Kreme!

7. Star Wars is Real!!

Okay well I am going down to sign autographs at endless line ups across the almighty America! Look for the White Van with the Jabba sign, smoke machine, and laser show!

and remember we must protect the Republic(can party) from anyone who wishes to destroy it! Jedi-Out!

My Trip to Brantford

Well me and my society du ottawa elite male-friends were discussing interesting places for travel and enjoyment purposes... and my favorite gentlmanly Negro suggested a fine gentleman like Jon visit the town of Brantford. At first I was a little skeptical of his Neroid assertions- but I thought back to the wise words of my Grandpappie who once spoke of a far away land where every need he had was met, and where he met some of the finest gentleman on earth!! He had called it Brantford, hearing of these great tales titillated my owl-like senses. Upon hearing this I hailed the most expedient locomotive that Via "I pay for you through taxes" rail had to offer me. On an aside... A bunch of french gatineau Gipsies run that rail service!! First they wouldn't let me smoke my pipe... then they tried to charge me for a coca-collonic beverage-- they didn't even speak english well- and their ticket handling was sub-par to the say the least!! Plus they made me buy an extra ticket because I didn't fit in my seat!! You call that service!!? I call it tom-jewery- I am disabled god-dammit!! Well finally I arrived at the grand-brantfordian-rail station!! and I knew at that moment I was in a kind-of Jon-Topia!! I began to cry I was so happy... like I finally found a place that understood me and nurtured me-- of course there were a few problems... My great-grandpa gave me this sacred bill:



I never found the bank of brantford... but I know that my grandpappie was onto something, I kept this near my heart in the land of the free- brantford.

Let me tell you some of the best aspects of Brantford. All the stores are shut down. It's like someone read my mind!! No annoying stores to take my hard-earned money... It was amazing!

The beauty is surreal:




I instantly made some friends, and we drank and walked around downtown and were very merry! We then went to the casino and picked up some Injian whores. It was like the olden days when the monarchy still meant something!!!



The middle of the town was marked by a park shaped like a union jack- I never found a more sacred place to drunkenly urinate in my life!

The very next day, my travels around brantford led me to meet the most interesting people, fellow gentleman who appreciate grease- I went to admirals, and my new friends told me to order a small fry... At first I got so mad and my face got red- I said "WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM A FUCKING CHINESE DONKEY! YOU SON OF A ..." when Jimbo just looked at me- I could tell by the look in his remaining working eye that there was something special about this... and I remember I was in no ordinary city.
Immediately the older gentleman at the store gave me the small fry.... I nearly shit myself... it was in a container so large... at the very least 50 potatoes almost like I hit the french fry jackpot! and they were greasy and heaping... I began to cry, and all of us had a group hug. The burgers were great... I had two... at least 4000 calories per burger for like 3$ I Began to believe again that there is still hope left in the world.

There was at least 500 tim hortons in Brantford, which tickled my fancy for doughnuts and coffee- and every single one was busier than the last. The wonderful townfolk of brantford would bring their lawn chairs to tim hortons and sit out front and smoke their finest injian cigarets-- It was a beautiful sight... A land so south that it escapes the dirty hands of the liberjew government- where the law doesnt matter... and people can be themselves.

Finally I had to return back to Ottawa... It was the hardest moment of my life, and all my new friends broke down and we had a collective outburst of male emotions.

Dear Brantford, I will be back to enjoy your Injian whores, your wonderous casino, your beautiful downtown that has been jon proofed... and most of all your delicious food and good friends.

I will be back...

That Terri's it!

Well you dumb witted fast polks have done it again! You and your collective lack of attention span have killed terri shavivo! If yer smart (like me) you will know what that means you bastard heathens! THat's right! I am going to dig her up.

I was reading that UNpopular Science rag at the gynocologist's office and I was looking through the back cause the articles are a bunch of "we landed on the moon and the world is round" garbage. I found this Jesus Hedgewood Christ Endorced cloning mache/resurector/juice. It can be build with parts from around the normal american house and the allen key included with the kit.

So basically I need a can openner, a yarmakul, and a pair of chopsticks. I don't know what that minority stuff is for by i guess i need it. I just bought a honda civic with Vtech for the motar (only time i don't buy american! Just becuase it was made in america dont mean it be 'merican!) Well anyways I also need a posse (not pussy) , although donations of the second with be gladly excpet as i am in a bit of a dry spell ;). So come on down and dig 'er up! We can't bring her back to life and get a 3rd Bush term if she is in the ground. Let's strike while the corpse is warm and still christian.

I'm suing "Everybody Loves Raymond" for false advertising!

Last night after titillating my mind and senses with a healthy dosage of Jeopardy, I turned the dial on my T.V. to "CBS" to discover something of a curiosity that spiralled into Jon's worst nightmare. Yes, that's right- Everybody Loves Raymond. Well let me say this: The Jewish media kabbal really cooked up a doosy this time!

After I watched this show I needed a morning after pill... it was so bad I was on to plan C. My gastrointestinal tract clenched up and I released my entire daily food intake into my tighty-brownies before the first commercial break. I cannot stand the liberal media! How they thrust their idealized jewy man images at me through Ray Romano's sexy allure. Now despite that aspect, not everybody loves raymond you stupid CBS jews!! I called up four of my nearest and dearest friends and they all agree with me- so as soon as I clear my good name... (I was just showing that little girl some Ottawa hospitality by offering to give a ride, and it's perfectly natural for a man like me to keep candy in his pants), I am initiating the largest class action/false advertising lawsuit ever devised. A lawsuit so big it is going all the way to Ronald McjewyDonald Rumsfeld.

Fucking republiberals-- what happened to the good ole days when they used to burn jews and kill people who shared the last name with a species of lettuce! The world is too liberal for Jon- I can't stand the Raymond liberalization of the family, it's so sickeningly unrealistic-- Ray Romano sleeps in the same bed as his Wife?? What kind of sick mind comes up with such a sick fantasy? My wife sleeps on the floor, if I allow her the right to sleep at all.

...ugh I got side-tracked, back to the lawsuit. I think the name should be changed to: Some Communists feel something resembling love in their godless hearts for homosexual Raymond-- this could be shortened to SCFSRL(ITGH)F Raymond. This is more representative of the moral spirit of the new America- a post 9/11 America.

You damn Rebuliberals... you killed Terri Schavio, you killed the Pope, but yet you let Ray live!!! I wont forget this come election time-- So you better use your powers of the supreme court of north america and you better take care of this jew infested lie parade!!

JON OUT

Fun Food Facts

Besdie loving to eat, I know a lot about food. Like which berries can kill and which ones only give me the runs.

Fun Food Fact 1: There is a resturant in Weehuaken NJ that still referes to onions by the Original name "Jackson's Ground Fruit". I sugest you try the " Battered Jackson's Ground Fruit Elispes", mucho Delicidad!

Fun Food Fact 2: The tomato and the quarter pounder at mcdonalds are made from the same rat genome.

Fun Food Fact 3: American Expressed used to have a beef flavoured credit card.

Fun Food Fact 4: Chlorine is the only eddible noble gas. It doesn;t taste so good.

Fun Food Fact 5: Chinese food is actually the same thing in china, despite what you say.

Fun Food Fact 6: The first Apple McIntosh was actually made from compressed granny smith apples.

Fun Food Fact 7: Honey and fries with bacon: delicous treat or homemade explosive? go find out!

Fun Food Fact 8: The Norwegians invented French Fries but lost the right to have their nationality be the name sake in the great fried potatoe name battle of 1907. It was called the battle of the Pomme. John A MacDonald drunken intervene when the french were winning, thusly creating the internation political economic scene as it is today

Fun Food Fact 9: Seinfeld is actually the name of a kind of Turnip

Fun Food Fact 10: My wedding cake was made of Buffalo Chicken.

Jonny 911: Resucing parents from kids who just won't shut the fuck up!

With the success of the limey Import "Nanny 9/11", I decided to cash in on the horrible children market. Children are getting worse, so naturally shares in programms that eliminate problem children are skyrocketing. Almagamted Coat Hangers (ACHI on the Hang Sen Index) had gone through the roof. When I saw this I reach my zenith of angry (for dates of April 5th inclusive). I ask myself what could I do get some money to get more food (mmm food, metal note get buffalo chicken wings...hey stop reading my mental notes assholes, that was personal! I could have been thinking of sex or something. GET OUT OF MY HEAD!)

Well anyways back to stupid children raise but fuckhead paretns. Here's the outline of Jonny 9/11.

Step 1: I eat some chicken

Step 2: I wipe my greasy hands on my archeologist's uniform and then answer the phone. "Hell, WHat the fuck do you want? What? Is that still on? Cupon I didn't give no cupons! Right! Yes, that was in my short lived magazine 'Modern Joncontent'. I be right over"

Step 3: Charge my rascal scooter.

Step 4: Put on a cape

Step 5: Get lost, find a Mc Donalds and tock up for the long treck a head

Step 6: Stop by "Archeology Depot" but some supplies

Step 7: Kkock down the door, and thusly scaring those little shits. This should scare them little fucks good.

Step 8: Whip out "ol' whippy Mc Whippington" and whip the children

Step 8.1: Break their stupid toys (steal the good ones like that vibrtating elmo)

Step 9: Load them in My white van with no widows and drive to my layer (aka mom's basement)




Step 10: Have those little shits over for the quietest sleep over ever. Make noise and you go into my Obiette (that's frog talk for place of forgetting)

Step 11: Bring them back 13 hours later than promised. "Tuck and roll kids, this van stops only for pussy"

Step 12: Phone parents and remindd them if they are bad "Uncle Jon is coming for family dinner", if they are horrible "They are going to take a trip to uncle Jon's Cabin in the woods" and that I am Santa and must be appeased.



Step 13: More food and a Cheap hooker (or two if I do really good)

Jon 9/11's success rate?

100% of little shits shut the fuck up and parents can drink all the booze they want in peace. I was so good these children raised themselves.